regret

so many things i've regretted doing
i know i cant make it but i still force myself to do it
and now upsetting myself more than ever
im such a burden to all
im such a burden to the team
getting into trouble becos of my 'perfect' attendance
failed to even fulfilled 25% of it?


wow. im great


i really regretted joining the track team
it may look pretty cool
being an athelete
but the pressure
i cannot take it anymore
ever felt the disappointment
the one you get when you always come in last in the race?
i experience that more than 30times a week


cool eh?


pride?
to be dead?
i cant feel the happiness anymore
scoring so high for your exams
being praised to the heavens
but you dont feel a single thing
becos you're supposed to be dead to it


sometimes i wonder
why did i even want to know him?
i even feel that he is a burden to me
i know it is all rubbish but at times i really hate him alot
one minute hope is given to me
the other minute i feel that im left in a lurch
left there to fight alone


but i love Him
i dont know why
but i love Him
im willing to lay my life down for Him
but why?
i hate him and i love him?
im confused myself


i dont know
im such a failure...

happy birthday lingyu!!


february
so many birthdays
crap, when is mine coming
broke
expenditure is too big
gotta cut down
cant save on birthday presents thats my policy
is that good or is that bad
maybe i should treat it as just another occasion
go to some value shop and grab something cheap and give it away
no way
i may be cheapo at times but im not that bad..


examinations
over in another 11 1/2 h
gonna flunk for all my tests
yay, celebration
celebrate that im so gonna be grounded
history and chinese paper tomorrow
havent even opened my book yet
have yet to read a single page in the textbook
no mood


revival conference was great
pst ulf is back
great guy
love him so much
sermon was on friendship, love
i love you!


time now is 2235
another 1 1/4 hours to sihui's birthday

and now
off to bed...

im so dumb
why cant i just get things right?
im so gonna flunk for all my papers
was it because i didnt study hard enough?
i dont know


today has been a terrible day
math and geography paper
didnt have the time to finish my math paper
already lost 10marks
didnt even know what i was writing for my geog paper
was crapping all the way


im tired inside out
i want to complain
i want everyone to tell about how stressed i am
but i've promised
i've promised Him
no matter how stressed i am
even if im going to break down soon
no one is going to hear my complaints
you'll see me cheerful always
but you never know how im feeling deep down inside


at times im really that stressed that i may just drop down and cry and cry
many times i've kept it too much to the maximum that im going to burst
maybe that's the reason why i can cry so much every single week
bursting into tears is maybe the better methods of releasing stress
dont be surprised if you see me sitting around with a penknife cutting everything i can find


im going to stand strong
im not going to give up
im going to fight a good fight of faith


and off to bed...
(2more hours to lingyu's birthday
and, happy birthday to liyun...)

i've learnt to take the initiative in doing all things.

[examinations]
english paper started at 0846 in the morning. some really disgusting compre passage. everything went well. was able to answer all the qns. had difficulty in doing the summary cos i wrote too many words. spent 20 over mins cancelling words and finally. i wrote a total of 59 words, the maximum number of words allowed. lit paper started at 0915, 5mins after the time we were supposed to start at. didnt know wad i was writing. jotted down rubbish. but surprisingly my rubbish was able to fill up 2pages of foolscap paper. paper ended at around 1000 as i rushed down the corridors heading straight to the washroom. hehe.

[lessons]
lessons were boring. mathematics? the teacher was teaching all the unnecessary stuff. almost fell asleep during lessons. mrs wong kept using the word 'eventually' which sorta bothered me alot. cos eventually kinda sounds lyk evangeline. so i kept looking up when i hear tt word and the whole world will stare and laugh at me. haha. science was worse. everyone sat there copying everything off the screen. was arguing with mr tang of wad we can and cannot put on our science file. some suggested idol's pic? flintstone's pic? smurfs? i suggested tt we put his pic there. den he said 'i dun care wad all of u are putting. cos u put, u gotta bear with it with the rest of the year' i immediately shut my mouth up. haha. chinese was kinda rubbish. didnt noe wad was going on. was crapping with priscilla.

[red house day]
woo~ red house day. hmm. class reps do tis, class reps do tt. haiz. i was so busy. had to collect wallets frm the members and i didnt have plastic bag. so i had to pour everything our of the one i was using and throw them the bag to put their wallets. had to take attendance and everything all at the same time. so u can imagine me rushing thru. haha. passed everything up and yeah, the activities began. had to design our flags. our flag was the best la of cos. although at first everyone were all reluctant to do anything but in the end we completed it! yay! i was kinda pissed at first but had to control my temper and get them to work together. so i started giving instructions and we started. after tt was some captain and soldier game. again, i was appointed the captain cos i was the faster runners in the grp. dun noe why but no one seems to dare to touch me. killed some people. was allies with 1/4. tt's why u see me nt touching anyone of them, but the rest ar..sorry. i gotta admit. i was kinda rough. haha. sorry if i injured u or wad. 1/8 snatched away our flag. heard frm the captain of tt class tt my members werent paying attention to the flag tt's why it was so easy. i was laughing at myself. why did i even get them to do the job. haha. had 2soldiers left at the end of the day. i was still alive. haha. nt surprising. after tt was telematch. we had to turn round and round 10times and eat 1/2 a water melon with our hands and everything. as the match was carried out on the field it was kinda disgusting. ants and grass and dirt all over the watermelon. no one dared to eat it. i finally realized tt i should take the initiative and start eating first so i stuck my hand out and dug thru the flesh, grabbed a big piece of watermelon and shoved it into my mouth. the rest followed on. had to drink the watermelon juice left which was seriously contaminated with grass, mud, dirt. no one dared to drink it again. i got pissed and snatched it frm my member and gobbled everything down. irk. sick. had to play some caterpillar game and again...i took lead. so today practically i was leading my grp in everything. haiz. first time the others were dependant on me and i had no one to depend on. played some really sick game when me and penny were blind-folded. some senior came molesting my legs. haha. was dirtying it with the mixture of coffee, mud, cornflour, water. irk. sick! this time i gotta say. i could see teamwork. i stood aside and the rest took over and did the job. at the end of the whole thing. 1/8 and 1/2 won. woo~ prize was? apples. haha. lame. had to run around the school bare-footed looking for the class's wallets. hmm. i guess everything was worth it at the end of the day. went samlow's house for awhile and took bus home.


my shirt is freakishly dirty now. everyone is saying i played with faeces. haha. shld get going and go bathe now. nitez!!

happy birthday olga, kerlene and maple!!

nv ever slp in class if ur fren has a hard water bottle. haha. fell aslp during lit lesson today. partner took her bottle and whacked me real hard on the head to wake me up. ouch! first reaction (jumped out of my seat and exclaimed 'im awake!!') yeah. weird eh? wanted to fall back aslp but forced myself nt to cos partner kept threatening to hit me again. haha. sickening day today. i got maglined. i didnt copy my homework!! it's so unfair ok. she didnt even bother listening to our explaination. IM INNOCENT!! spoiled my day ok. it's so irritating. i finally decided tt i'll do my work myself and tis is wad i get? if tt is so i shall copy every piece of work assigned to us. SICKENING! i would have sworn on the spot if i havent been told nt to swear anymore. mumbled in tongues for awhile and kept quiet. decided tt i might as well accept my fate. den sickening fren came and tell me 'evangeline. stop bearing grudges' hello! im trying to forgive and forget. are u trying to tell me tt tt is called bearing grudges?!?!?! irritating!

hmm. i shall stop complaining and slp early tonight.
lit and eng ca tmr!

is it good to be fast? of cos it is. but it was too fast. my science practical today.

it was at 1405 when sec 1/1 and 1/2 were assembled in the hall to get ready for sci prac. was sitting there stoning and asking alot of unnecessary qns. it was finally my turn after arnd 30mins ltr. was praying real hard tt i get alvin tang for my tester and thank God! my prayers were answered. he was my tester. went into the examination hall and my hand was shaking like mad. i started as soon as we were told to, nt even bothering to look at the instructions pasted on the table. i sorta memorised it before i went in. i gained my first mark by kneeling on the floor trying to get the correct amount of water, 5.0cm. got mr tang to check the amount of liquid and yep. carried on with the experiment. i think i made a really really dumb mistake. i shldnt have poured everything into the test tube. it was too much liquid. i really regretted it but i decided to carry on with the mistake. haiz. lit the bunsen burner and started heating. everything went on really smoothly and quickly. too quick i guess. i finished the exam lyk before my partner lighted the bunsen burner. and i finished lyk at the same time as those who went in before me. im pretty certain i didnt miss out any steps. mr tang say i performed well. i dunno.

nxt examination coming up in 3days.
pray for me! hee..

today is a start of a new beginning. im once again reborn.

today's choice of clothes was a big mistake. wore formal wear today. was supposed to wear my usual t-shirt and jeans but decided to join in the fun of wearing formal when i saw jo in her clothes. yep, she pang seh layho and the rest again. haha. she was supposed to wear skirt with them. oh yeah. just learn a new word tis morning. 'pang seh' haha. hope i used it correctly. leila bought breakfast for us but none of us ate. i would gladly eat it if it wasnt for my sorethroat. but hmm. bk was complaining tt it was as hard as a rock and refused to eat it. but in the end he decided to be a gentleman and finish it up for leila. church was as usual great. everyone was asking if i was ushering. haha. im nt interested in usher my dears. haha. prayer meeting started and i gotta say. i was paying much attention to it. i was busy looking at people walking here and there. when we were to pray in groups i paired up with layho. the two of us both gave a simple prayer and yeah. we were thinking 'oh no. we must be the first to finish praying eh?' haha. we decided to hold hands and bow our heads and pretend tt we're still praying. haha. sitting arrangement was kinda messy today. didnt quite like the arrangement but. WHO CARES! i sat we tis old lady. when she came and put her bag down i tot she needed a headset. haha. while. i was kinda bothered by her cos she kept clapping out of beat. haha. but during worship. she was the one who made me cry so much today! she was a super on fire christian! i tell u. she is such a wonderful lady. as u people noe, i kneel and cry almost every sunday during worship but today was so diff. i didnt just squeeze tt small tiny drop of tear out of my eye. i knelt down at the second song of worship. and at first i tot 'why did i even want to noe you Lord?' i guess my answer came immediately. i started crying and crying. the feeling i've lost for so long came back. the holy spirit was around. God was with me. i confessed my sins. i wept. i promised Him many things, im going to change. den just as i was abt to stop crying. i heard the old lady standing beside me singing. in tt small frail voice. i felt like i was hiding in God's embrace. he was gently patting my head. i could feel his love. his warmth. overwhelming me. den i suddenly rmb tt dream i had years ago. ok. perhaps it wasnt a dream. it was wad my ex-cg told us to imagine. the almighty God was sitting in his throne. right infront of u. and he spoke to u. in a fatherly tone. (fatherly tone? ok. it's kinda spoiling the whole thing.) 'come my child. come into my embrace' how would u feel? i rmb. in my imagination it was kinda diff. i was kneeling before the Lord. unclean. i was a sinner. and God was sitting there 'come my child. come into my embrace' i immediately ran towards him and hugged him tight. thinking. why would he want me? im a sinner, and he is ever so great and holy. yeah. tt's why i cried so much.

today's msg was abt '10characteristics of the BIG PEOPLE.' cool eh? the msg was so great. im so gonna change and be a big person. im going to serve just as Jesus did. (would u like me to wash ur feet for u? bet u'll regret it. haha. i probably scalded u with hot water and rubbed ur feet dry with the towel so hard tt ur skins starts coming off. haha) i was kinda angry with myself for forgetting to bring my notebook. thank God i had a blank piece of foolscape paper in my bag and yeah, it was just enough to fit all my notes. i was kinda worrying tt i wouldnt have enough space.

was so proud of myself cos i finally rmb to bring melody's file which i was supposed to return it to her lyk almost a month ago? haha. angie was made to rmb all of our names. poor thing. leila wanted to test her five mins after she was given the task. but hello...i was around! of cos she could pass with flying colors. layho (lays potato chips) melody (music) liyun (the cloud) sandy (just think of the beach) and me? easy! evan. left out so many people. haha. she almost failed but hey. im evangeline pay leh. gave leila so many excuses and yeah, kept hinting angie the names. she passed! haha.

went jurong point to shop after lunch. yeah, the whole world has been bullying me for the whole day. didnt noe i like so many people. haha. alighted frm the bus and got a lecture frm daniel. so scary lor. first time i hear him speak to me in such a serious tone. i was scared out of my wits. guess he realized and sorta comforted me and yeah, returned to his usual weirdness. shopped lyk crazy in jurong point. haha. hey people. i noe im kinda cheapo, i bought ur vday gifts frm the value shop. haha. hey. im broke k..sorry la. went home after so many hours of shopping. jeff called and scared me out of my wits. (again?) kept asking me where his sister was. made me so worried. haha. went home. i was so guai. went to bathe and hit the books immediately. (wow! wad happened to evanpay?!?!) haha. yeah. gotta get serious le. exams coming in just a few days. scary.

hmm. i've blogged for 1hr and 7mins already. haha. gotta go back and study le. nitez!

chinese new year eve. went to school in the morning. yeah. the deco thingy, we won 2nd prize but wasnt tt happy la. 1/1 won first prize. haiz. but we're cool, we finished our deco in 5hrs ok..there was the mass followed by the blessing of oranges. yeah, it was so bored i almost fell aslp. haiz. blessing of oranges, the holy water didnt even touch my oranges and i was all wet already. haha. cool eh? yeah. michelle ng kept passing me the 'mic' to sing. haha. lame. after tt was the inter-house lion dance competition. it was so lame. yellow house won. the teachers performed too. so sick lor. cos mr tang's tummy bulging out. irk! okok. there was the gal frm 3/2 who played the zither until so duper pro lor. wow! haha. after school went bishan for lunch. spent over $50 for lunch. my goodness! ahh! sally came and joined us and jo had bs. i was walking around den so many people see me den 'ahh! evan!!' den run up to me and hug hug. haha. i noe. im lovable. haha. went home and snore after tt and yep. reunioun dinner. haiz. my aunt was plain childish. den mich got pissed by wad she was doing lah. den when we were cooking chocolate fondue mich was lyk 'childish' den she made such a big fuss and kept saying 'city harvest arh. wad church is tt. produce devils' wadever! i wanna ask u wad is your church teaching u den? to insult people? to call people names? i always wanted to scream at her..haiz. mich was asking us to keep quiet and forget abt it. yeah. anyways chocolate fondue was great! nice! haha. yeah. hmm. the time now is actually 12.42am, 42 mins past the year of monkey. yeah, i fell aslp at the comp. haha. yeah. i was bored! i finished reading all the chat logs i could find. i finished doing everything. hmm, well anyways.

Happy new year!!

im supposed to be doing some shou sui thingy but the thing is tt i cant hold on much longer! gtg slp! nitez!! or morning if u prefer. hehe.

today is so cold! shivering throughout the whole morning, when u're standing in the sun there is some warmth gained but when u step back into the shade it is all cold again. haiz. was walking to the AEP studio after geography and on the way was complaining to kaiying abt the weather. cold!! art was dumb, i found a lizard tail under my desk! sick! i had to bear with it can do my drawing. was hoping tt art will end soon so tt i can run away. after art was recess, ran to the canteen and got myself a warm glass of milo. didnt really help much but oh well. the milo was nice. hehe. spent so much money today. lent michelle 80cents, 15dollars to kaiying, mum currently owes me 31dollars, vanny took 1dollar frm vanny. hmm. the rest i forgot. but please ar..if u borrowed money frm me please return. people, honesty is the best policy. yeah. oh yeah. great piece of news, we've finished selling all the vouchers we have and sec1/2 has sold vouchers worth $9300, but we're still working to sell more to beat sec1/1. continue to support! oh yeah. assembly. so dumb. a hp went off during assembly, and the worse thing was it went off when joe teo (dm) was speaking. oh man..there was a spot check after assembly. sec 2s didnt have. but i heard the sound coming frm the sec 2! i dunno..haiz. anselina's fone was confiscated. thank God they gave it back to her in the end. haiz. spot check wasnt exciting. hehe. i heard things worse than wad happened today. when is it going to happen? hmm...haha. im weird. i noe. went home after school. dad kept asking me to bring the dogs for a groom. haiz. dunno where to go lah. 2more days to cny. i've nt got my clothes and everything yet! haha. yeah i noe. it's already so late liao. gotta go buy after school tmr. was toking to Sandy on msn just now. haiz. i really gotta rise up real fast. sandy's catching up soon. yeah. but tt's good isnt it? yeah. hmm. shld get to bed liao.

2more days to cny!
kong hee fat choi! haha.
buy clothes!!

amen!! im so proud of Sandy!! she is raising up so quickly! hallelujah! she was telling me she used to do tis and tt but now she is completely changed! amen! she has a strong christian faith, she no longer doubts or blames the Lord, she trusts him fully. ahh! im so proud of her. she jumped and raised her hands during PnW today. yay! today's msg was a really powerful one frm rev. John Berve. it was abt GRACE! grace empowers us to obey! we gotta obey God! cant afford to play with disobedience...yep. today there was tis new song, very nice. and brother mark rapped! wow! so cool lor! elson ong ar..give it up. no one's going to like u anymore. haha. yay! business was brisk today. haha. sold all the vouchers! yay! haha. after tt went for cic, i finally got the book. before going gotta go buy Bible for Sandy. yep. i was kinda bored during cic today. haiz. almost fell aslp. but i continued to listen lah. but sometimes i'll just drift away. haha. after cic so irritating lor. mich kept calling and ask me to go home. haiz. must give me time mah. u think i superwoman ar. can fly down. oh yeah! we got our stewardship envelope today! so nice! so cool! ahh! my personal one! haha.! went shopping for cny clothes. so annoying. dad was plain unreasonable. haiz. well, dun wanna tok abt it. phone was going nuts. cant call or sms. yeah.

-yawns- i wanna slp!!
nitez!

Happy birthday jeff!

buy chocolate vounchers from me!!! dun buy from anyone else! buy from me!!

school was very slack today. didnt really have lessons, only got tests. den decorate classroom until so late. i forgot to get my reader's digest frm the teacher's table! hope no one steals it. haha. amoz, liangwei, ervin, great people, bought chocomania vouchers from me. yay! aha. dun buy from jo. and sji people, dun buy chocomania vouchers from anyone except people from sec 1/2! yeah. hmm. tis entry is really short but i really gotta rush off to bed already. nitez!

pray for my knee and my lungs.