ripped tis off fiona's blog. thought it kinda relates to me.

manyatimes i thought it over. again and again.
so many times, i had wanted to give up.
i had even thought of not believing.
why was i in all these mess.
even after so long, there seemed to be hardly any improvement.
times of hard rejection.
i practically had doubts in Every Single thing.
it didnt make any sense to me.
everything was so totally
Unfair.

as if things werent bad enough,
reults were lyk shit.
efforts of evangelism gt no where.
and no one seemed to understand.
things i did for no one but only did it for God.
but my life was lyk shit.
did God left me out or smth.
i resulted to escaping frm Him.
each night, i turned away tt little voice which kept telling me to pray.
each night i lost my patience and started shouting away.
the situation at home just gt worse.
every now and then those tears wld come.
i had wept in the bathroom alone.
those reasons, only God noes.but still, i did nth more to improve.

i asked no more.
i seeked no more.

till tt voice finally overpowered me and told me to sleep no more.
it told me to wake up and be strong.

tt drama today gt right through me.
it was all just a play, but i knew what God exactly did.
before my eyes, i knew.

My Lord was Tortured and bruised.

He died for me that woke me up.
He died on the cross for me.
with nails Pierced through His wrist.
He was bleeding all over.

yet,

he chose to set me free

tears just came overflowing.
there was nth i cld say.
how cld i ever forget what He did.
He Sacrificed for me yet all i ever did was rejected Him time and again.
i cldnt even withstand little tests of faith.
all i ever did was complain.
i had never try again.

HE told me to be strong today.
my time would soon be to come.
its never too soon or too late.
i know He wld end the wait.
i'm glad tt i woke up today.
and realised what a Fool i've been.
to doubt and run,
that way my sins wld Not be cleaned.

My saviour Reigns,
He took all my painsand set me free.
He gave me life,for Eternity.


tis entry really touched me as i read through it
the same feeling i had
i shall not dwell on it anymore and move on

move on to rise up..

Happy Birthday Layho!!

ah yes..birthdays again. nvm, mine is coming soon. i just gotta wait for a few more months...haha.

ahh!! my allowance cut by i donno how many percent!! not enough to spend!! anselina kept nagging at me when i wanted to spend..'your allowance not like last time that $70 already ok. you think you can afford...start saving!! gotta learn from me!' haha. because of tis i cant even eat a $1 creps and creams icecream lor!! so dotted!! (im converting sandy/elson's dortz to dotted. haha) walk finish citylink then wanted to walk suntec. but hungry lah! stop asking me to walk! i 'cant' afford to eat at thai express, nooch. anymore. or i gotta fast for like 2days le...haha.

school was also very dotted. woke up at hmm. 4.30am and reply msg. haha. then pick up all the books i kicked onto the floor and went back to sleep. had a really weird dream lor..Jesus was teaching. oh shucks! the teaching was so good! i forgot what was it toking about! should have woke up to take down notes. haha. then i heard leila's voice coming from afar. i walked towards her and she was telling me to not listen to the msg when the msg was so good? she kept 'He is satan. dont listen...dont listen..' the i saw the easter drama that satan floating around telling me the same stuff..i kept telling myself 'no! i wanna listen! i wont fall for these rubbish!' but it is like it never left la. then forced myself to wake up. 5.44am. stared at the clock for awhile and hid under the blanket, afraid to hear the irritating alarm clock ringing in my ears. people one is 'ring..ring..' or 'ti..ti..ti..ti' my one is 'teh..teh..teh..teh' so irritating! sound like you know the lorry reversing that time the sound. uh! i get the shivers when ever i hear something like that. was as usual freezing in the car. (im made to sit in the centre, right infront of the air-con while the other two sat by the side snoring) went to class and started doing my homework. thank God those i didnt complete wasnt marked today. haha. had to write compo early in the morning, no inspiration!! scribbled down rubbish la. was the first to finish with hmm. 446words. oops. over wrote by 101words. mrs tan requests for not more than 345words but heck la. haha. was stoning while waiting for the rest to complete theirs. stupid me didnt realize i could actually use the time to do my uncompleted hw till 5mins to the next lesson.

art was crap. was scribbling nonsense on the paper again. we were made to stare at pictures and write stories. haha. my stories the best la. super dotted. haha. then dunno what opinion crap ask me to answer cos i was talking. then i read off my rubbish filled paper la. thank God i got away with it. phew~ recess stayed in class to do hw. copy la. dont know how to do. algebra i die le la. for the past 2weeks i've not been listening lor. was doing my previous day hw. sometimes i even wonder how i do my hw when i dunno how to do. haha.

science was probably the best lesson today. was playing with chemicals. heating and stuff. mr tang was trying to teach us how to dry our test tubes effectively with his cannot make it method. haha. had lotsa fun la. then had to run back to class. cos everytime me, jean, anselina and kaiying also take our time slowly stroll back so mrs tan say we must always be the first 10 to reach class. so dotted...haha. run run run then she was late. haha. geography didnt do much today la..then math. haha. today i finally had time to pay attention. couldnt really get what the teachr was trying to say la cos i dunno how to use the methods she taught previously. haiz. assembly was pretty cool. tis australian band came to perform. was totally stoned i gotta say. kept leaning on kaiying to sleep. haha. then after that had to go collect t-shirts for the class la. then i collect le everyone go home le so i gotta shove it all in my bag and bring it home. whoa! so heavy lor! went raffles place to eat with anselina and jean. so dumb! food court? go tp eat la. i think the food court there nicer..the underground that one. haha. was the last to finish la. they had to wait for me. hey not my fault k..very hot mah. then you guys keep disgusting me with those ahem and ahem. haha.

anyways. i just gotta say.
people who owe me money please return me cos i also owe people money
dont borrow money from me cos i got none to spare..
i got no school on thurs! woo~
and yeah, i gtg. haha.

rejecting Christ is seriously no joke ok...

today was a great day. went for games at suntec then after which proceeded to singapore indoor stadium. plmgs had an amazing number of people who came, 22! alrights. i gotta admit. i wasnt exactly being nice to melsha. was kinda avoiding her. guess that made everyone unhappy eh. im sorry la. but seriously i'll die if i stayed. service started, drama was great. was crying throughout. next time people who sit around me must bring tissue ar..there was a great shortage of tissue today. haha. preaching was great. why did Jesus stayed on the cross despite all the mockery and stuff. He did that so you dont need to suffer no more people..he sacrificed himself so that you might live. repent for the kingdom of heaven is near! altercall, not many pl people responded i gotta say. hmm. im sorry but i forgot your name, the one sitting beside me. why dun wanna go down!! she was really good lor. could really feel the presence of God so strongly upon her but she refuse to go down. maybe scared malu la..

went for dinner at bugis after that. liyun and so on were trying to play layho's flute. haha. all cannot make it one la..took a super funny video of them playing. ask and it shall be given unto you. hope ya get what im trying to say eh. was chatting about the end times and stuff. why did you have to remind me of that. was talking to fiona about what happened last night. (dont ask) wow! she was the only one who could understand how it felt. but she didnt give up! she pressed on and things are turning out pretty well. gonna follow her and do the same. press on! im gonna fight the fight of faith! amen!

woo~ look at the time
time to get my beauty slp..haha.

as said on my msn nick
everything's not alright
nothing is alright now

i feel rejected
i feel lost
i feel frustrated
i feel empty
i feel alone

why is the feeling there?
i dont know

im starting to lose it
lose Him
lose that feeling
that one when i first felt Him
touch me so deeply inside
that warmth, that happiness, that comfort
i could tell Him anything
He just my friend, the kind i could trust in that my secrets wont be leaked out

what is with the capitals anyway
people start nagging when they see christ not in capital, jesus not in capital, god not in capital, the he refering to them not in capital, the holy ghost not in capital
when ever i gotta backspace to change that 'c' or that 'j' or that 'g' or that 'h' into a capital
i feel so presurrized
that you are talking about the almighty one
the one up there
the really scary one
the one who will start sending fire balls and so on when you do something wrong
i just want him as my best friend
i dont want that feeling that i must obey him in every single way
i want to have that feeling that he is always just beside you
to speak to you, to joke with you, to lend you a shoulder to cry on, to guide you, to wake you up from your senses
there was a period of time when i could experience that feeling
those were the best days of my life
but now...
that happy feeling's all gone
that voice there is gone
that voice always there to 'c'mon evangeline, you can do it! go on. give it a try.'
that voice always there to rush me 'evan..time to do your quiet time'
that voice always there 'there there. dont cry. i know it's been hard on you. but just hold on for awhile more and everything's gonna be alright'

i suddenly have the urge to not attend church anymore
the urge to not believe him no more
the urge to return to my old self
when i could just curse and swear whenever i want
i dont want to know him anymore

so many things have been happening since i entered chc
my friends keeping a distant away from me
my dad not wanting to speak to me, etc

my life's in a mess
but i dont find anyone helping
i noe he is there
just there
not helping at all

i noe how to waste my time sitting infront of the comp
toking to people, encouraging them
to press on, to have faith
but myself?
im giving up just becos of a few set backs

im a failure
a loser

went for planet shakers concert last night
was superb!
competing with liyun on who had the better stamina so we were jumping like mad
lung problems came back...leila! pray for me again!
ankles where aching really badly when i jumped but didnt really care about it la
fell down the stairs few days ago and injured it la
there was offering and preaching
liyun and sandy lousy
cannot listen and msg at the same time still copy me do the same
at least i heard the msg...
fav songs included reflector, (very old but i love it) open up the gates, running after you, cant remember anymore(that is not a song)

so weird...they performed don moen's song. liyun lousy. donno how to sing, looked so amused when she knew i know the song. beginning i was thinking what song that was, sound so familiar, knew the lyrics and stuff but couldnt remember where i sang it. thought i sang it in some school mass.

leila called to invite me over the her cg. (elson! look! i got invitation one leh! not like you..haha)
took liyun's car home. elson talk so much in the car! haha. at least there was noise in the car la. or then so weird...after the guys alighted liyun and i. haha. personal talk. liyun knows every little secret i have..please dont try to dig anything out of her. it is very very personal.

major bang! on the way home. liyun dad's car hit the pavement. gosh...mich was being so nice staying up to open the door for me. heez. sorry la. got the maid to open instead, wasted your time for your beauty sleep. went online for a short while, check fan mail (fan mail???) haha. i call my emails fan mails. haha. chat chat then slept la...

ignore the date. i saved the entry as a draft, dont noe when i started writing...

anyways the time now is hmm 2225, date 200305.

happy birthday cheryl!!

went to church as usual. there was a new song taught today. many old songs sung. the old ones like 'everyday' , 'hallowed be your name' and hmm. got one more. i forgot. msg was of 7great works of the cross. there was a short video clip from passion. i was totally grossed out. although i know that it was all done so we can be saved. but i couldnt stand it la. sarah cried. leaned over to comfort her. she was crying and grabbing my hand so tightly. ouch. haha.

sometimes i really wonder. why is God so loving. why is Jesus so unselfish. why is it that they can just keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving. i really want to. but i cant seem to. i often bear grudges. i want to forgive it just stays in my mind. refusing to get out. why did Jesus want to come down and suffer so much. the pain..the suffering..the rejection and stuff. He can just sit up there and dont bother...but no. he came for us. so we'd return to the Heavenly Father. He died on the cross with our sorrows, our pains, our sickness, our illnesses, our proverty, our sins. my goodness. i dont know if i'd ever do that for anyone...

if You change me. take it all away for good. the selfishness, the self-centred me. all my bitter and dirty thoughts. my sins. everything that i have that displeases You. may i learn from you. may i grow from glory to glory and grace to grace. may i follow in Your footsteps. You casted down all that You had for us...Jesus i love you. i love you...

alrights. this entry's getting messed up. will update another time.

few things if you would help me pray for...
-my lungs are aching again. the pain went away but it's back...
-my ankles. breaking soon...haha. due to lack of calcium. im lactose intolerance...
-my granddad. i really want to get him saved. but i dont know how to..we are like from 2diff worlds. i cant even start a regular conversation with him..
-pray that easter drama would be a success
-pray that more souls will be saved
-pray for revivals in school
-pray that we'll rise up as a great generation
-etc.

never going back to heeren ever again
totally embarrassed myself today
getting people to do surveys and stuff
didnt manage to charm girls down. haha.
hey, at least i met this really cute guy...haha

gotta apologise to liyun la..used your name
met your school mates, tot they knew you since you're so famous and stuff
but i guess you're not that after all eh?

st thersea convent
met quite a number of them
they kept giggling at me for no reason!
so weird!! but hey, they were so friendly to me!
st thersea convent! next time got surveys approach me! i promise to do

st gabriels, yeah, that really cute guy came from there
my goodness! he sounded exactly like elson ong!!
i got a shock when he spoke and what's more the heights about the same..
haha. alrights. shall stop talking about him

i finally realized how those annoying surveyers felt when they're being rejected
i've decided
im...
going to continue rejecting them. haha
joking...but really must depend on whether the person if free or not

im supposed to be at planet shakers concert now!!
due to my laziness i've decided to skip it
but im still paying that is..
liyun's poor thing enough
hope they're having a great time there...

im so annoyed! i typed out a really long entry in the morning
the comp hanged
and it was deleted!! so annoying!!

well anyways no matter what
i really gotta go, will blog later
if i have the chance...

wow im amazing
did a head count
had a total of over 10people liking me
not guys but girls


i dont know how i charm girls
it has been like that ever since i was k1!
i remember my friend made me kiss her when i was younger
she was begging me! im innocent!


got a call from anselina awhile ago
my goodness! huigeok likes me!
dont want lah
i got more than enough already
haha. joking...
but seriously it is kinda frightening
i may have many experiences of it
but it does scare me alittle at times
i cant imagine if i werent firm enough i may end up being a lesbian
i try all means to forget about it but everytime i forget about one another pops up
what am i
love-o-matic?
so many people slotting feelings into me
and hoping they win a prize or stuff
but it is always disappointment
almost there but not
i admit i have been moved many times
i was so afraid i'd be a les
i had to cling onto someone but i always end up getting hurt


hurting people and hurting myself
sometimes i really think i should give it up and become a 'bung'
like that i'd be hurting no one


stupid thought im sure many agrees
but as the thoughts run through my mind im getting really tired
too tired to think and the only thing i can do is to


sleep...

alrights
my 'love life' is kinda messed up
mainly because of some people
anyhow spread rubbish between me and someone else
and yeps
word got to the 'da ren wu'
and was questioned the whole afternoon


please dont spread rubbish about me anymore
i should have heeded daniel's advice long ago
to stop all the rubbish right from the start
im getting unhappy of all these
so please stop it


finally found people whom i can confide to
to trust
but looks like i cant trust anyone any more
am gonna keep everything to myself
im not saying you are doing the wrong thing
but i feel like you are invading my privacy
there and things i may and may not be open to
things i only want certain people to know


i feel like i cant tell anyone anything anymore
things were going on so well
until someone decides to destroy it
and im left to fight it alone
why me


i may sound pretty cool about it
may joke about it too
but you do not know how i feel inside
i feel really annoyed
being made fun of
i feel like im a slut
so many times because of these painful remarks
i cry
i cry out to God for help
but i dont seem to get it
i feel like im alone


a soilder
out in the fields
fighting


all alone...

woo~ just came back from benny hinn
i seriously cant stand the way i write anymore
dont care who scolds or complains about it
my english sucks big time and thats it


[100305]
got back my report book
my results was great...NOT!
3a1, 1a2, 2b4, 1c5 and 1c6
dad was whacking me like mad
mum was making me feel all guilty
didnt scold me!!
i expected her to make a great deal out of it
but she simply 'uh. next time work harder'
thats all she said!!
oh mum
why wont you scold me..


i dread getting my report book back
all the nagging and stuff
but i guess i kinda felt happy everything my parents nagged at me
although it is irritating and annoying and stuff
but at least it showed that they care about me


but now...


[110305]
woo~ it's the last day of term one
7days of rest
or should i say 9
but got trainings to attend
the whole of next week's kinda packed
but dont give up
wanna go out with me
simply ask and you shall receive
no matter how busy i am i promise to make time for you
im such a nice person...


was simply being high and lame in school today
most probably because it was the last day of school
lessons were really boring
was scribbling crap on my math notes
and yeps, elson ong
i supported you and your nerd4life crap


headed straight for singapore indoor stadium to queue after school
meddled with phone which was going to die soon
cos the smart evangeline pay forgot to turn on the switch
only discovered it the next morning
had only 10mins to charge
uh. was concentrating on reading my lit text
to mish, the pregnant girl
she didnt abort the baby
she broke up with peter and put the baby up for apdotion
i guess she kinda opened up after so long
besides. peter was such a jerk
no point waiting for this kinda person
mainly stoned big time
was boring kwanhan out
haha


i guess my bad habits came back
im back as a pro stoner
hey. stoning is cool ok.
it helps you to pass time
helps you to relax
helps you to not feel bored
uh. etc.


was sorta seperated from the rest when we entered the stadium
elson ong was being weird
was running about with his friends for seats
got a seat already shouldta just sat there...
benny hinn was great
although the songs were pretty traditional and boring
but come to think of it
it was pretty cool
the atmosphere was great
but not too great
firstly becos some inconsiderate people didnt bother turning off their phones or switch it to silent mode
then it's those babies
they are cute
but too noisy
chose to be noisy at the wrong time
they were getting on my nerves
the worst thing was this husband who wasnt so supportive of the wife coming
was giving her a cold shoulder all along
hey sir, if you dont like it
kindly please leave
we need the seat for better uses
and these two kids sitting infront of me!!
they were annoying me!
firstly when i jump during praise songs
they stared at me and were discussing about how weird i was
then whatever i did it became a discussion for them
and they were eating and sleeping throughout the service
and refusing to behave


but overall
it was great!!
so many miracles
this bed-ridden guy stood up and walked
many lame could stand and walk/run
many could see
cancer paitents were healed
many many miracles!
and there was this old lady
she released great faith to each and everyone of us today
great woman!
and of cos
there were many who werent healed
dont worry
your time will come
real fast


didnt have small change for offering
felt so guilty for not giving
decided to give $10 tomorrow


i love my phone
although it's all ugly and irritating to use
but it's a great servant of mine
it gave it's life for me to make an important phone call before it died
currently lying in bed
wires all around it
it's recovering real fast
in around 1.5hours
it'll be discharged
good as new
uh. im crapping too much


after service took dad's car home
he was fetching his friend from brunei home too
and another thing was
his friend was at the cusade too!
was chatting with him about it throughout
he was encouraging my dad to join me for tomorrow's
hopefully he comes
but i know he wont
he doesnt like city harvest


and now
off to bed
nights...

math


im so gonna hate the subject
with mrs wong gone
replaced with a ms tan


oh man


am i going to fail my math soon enough?


mrs wong is such a good and experience teacher
was pretty sure im gonna learn a lot from her
pass my tests with flying colors


but now
im going to be taught by this unknown freak?
some trainee teacher
dont know why but i've not a single min liked her since the first meeting


everyone of us were making bad remarks of her
and yeah
i gotta admit
i was one of them


heard God telling me
to give her a chance
i myself knew how to say that she has no experience
she why dont i just give her a chance
to have that experience
it is a stage everyone of us has got to go through
getting experiences


was discussing with classmates how to make life difficult for her
perhaps we should just call off the whole thing
learn to accept her
to love her


well
love your enemies just as you love your neighbour
i just gotta accept her as she is
accept her weaknesses
no matter how boring and weird looking she is
haha

sick. again.


was already feeling really ill in school
but tot i was fine
went home and went to bed
thinking i may get better after a good rest
woke up at around 1746
was having a terrible headache
a little giddy too
took temperature
38.3 fever


called mum to bring me to the doc's
was asked to go alone
clinic across the road was closed
and yes she had to come and bring me there
that horrible place in ang mo kio
the horrible smell in the clinic
that horrible looking fish
that really weird old uncle
and that really weird old auntie


i always dread going there
but this time i've got no choice
registered at the counter
took a number and waited
'evangeline pay si li! your turn!'
the doctor came to get me
and 20mins later
got my mc
and yes my medicine,
a total of 5different kinds
including that horrible one


cough syrup.


that horrible brownish looking thing
30ml a day
oh man life's gonna be like hell
but at least i got my mc
1 day off from school
3days off from pe


mum is nagging at me now
for not taking my medicine and not taking enough rest
so yes i got to go now


and now of to bed. again.