as far as i could recall
sarah told me this - 'God doesnt want to see you cry, He was to see you smile'

went for the usual church service
i thought everything was alright already
after all the crying and cleansing
but no, there were still things i couldnt let go

knelt down as usual for worship
but this time not the crying and weeping
i was smiling to Him
i remembered sarah's words
i prayed to Him
i confessed my sins
i made a new convenant with Him
He blessed me with a vision
i saw myself standing there
just like pastor kong
i was preaching
in a really powerful way
many were touched

i really thought everything was going on well
i have let go of everything
no i havent

was feeling troubled when sandy told me that she still couldnt speak in tongues
i must admit that i was really frustrated about it
when pastor derek was asking for us to go down
i could really hear God asking me to pray for sandy
He told me that i was the one who would open her up
the first thought that came into my mind was
'are you sure? im like just some little person. how?'
all i told her was to have faith and open her mouth, relax
she simply ignored and continued with worship
my burden for her was getting stronger and stronger
was i really the one who was going to pray for her?
leila then came half tearing
asking fiona to go down for altar call
she was afraid and refused
seeing the two beside me having problem
i couldnt care less but to follow one down
i just shouted at fiona 'go! im going with you!'
we that i pushed her all the way to the front
and it was a really fast one i must say
i was nervous myself as i have yet to go down myself too
it was then that i realized that i went down not for anyone else but me
i wanted that burden to be lifted
away from me
i was prayed for the first time
nothing happened
everyone fell except for me and fiona
pastor came and prayed for us again and again
second time was a forceful one
i fell but nothing happened
i got up wanting to give up and get back to my seat
but as i got up and walked
i started tearing
got back to my seat
leila was there waiting
i ran up to her and hugged her tight as i wept again
everything around was oblivous to me again
He was back working on me again
this time everything was set free
im sure
all the hatred and stuff
i wept again for the second time
wow this two days are real tiring
all the crying and stuff
i was dragged to the carpark by leila after service
there she talked to me
it was the first time i could tell these leaders all my problems
leila was just like a mother
standing there listening to me
after which i was prayed for again
satan is gone for good
Christ is here with me
He is protecting me

i wanna challenge all you people out there
to take a step of faith and do whatever God tells you
i am doing the same
i am going to pray for sandy
no matter how embarrssing it is gonna be
im gonna give it a try

i've finally got my answer after the long waiting
it is only when you let go of it and open up, God can come to work on you

why havent i been experiencing you for so long?
why havent i been hearing from you for so long?

because i havent been letting go
letting go all my troubles all my problems
i have always been hiding them in the deepest of my heart
all the time i have been trying to act normal?
it has got me to no where but further away from Him
the problem's consuming me, it is taking over me
if only i learnt to let go earlier things wouldnt have gotten this bad

today as i went for the prayer meeting
i really learnt to let go
God was with me
i could really feel Him, His presence so strongly upon me
so strong that i start to weep and wail
it was the first time i actually cried this hard
it was like i was set free from everything around me
everything was oblivious to me
my mind was in a blank
i sat there and cried
the holy presence on me
i cried my heart out
i could just forget about everything else and cry out to Him
trembling as He began to touch me
so deep inside
as the leaders come and pray for me
He was working even deeper and deeper each time a different one comes
to lay hands on me, embrace me
i was once lost and now i am found
my dryness was all gone

i was so tired from all the crying
decided that i should stop and rest
the wall was my only support now
i had no energy at all
to even pick myself up to a comfortable position
i leaned against the wall and slit
i thought everything was going to be alright already
part 2 came up
i started crying again for no reason
this time sarah came
she pulled me up and i fell
she knelt there and prayed for me
questioned me
i was so just too tired to answer
it was like she could read my thoughts
she prayed for me
she made me pray too
she taught me to let go
lift it all up to Him
i confessed and i forsaked

it is true
only thru God
you can have peace

what if i told you i love you

to many people
LOVE, it is the most wonderful gift one can expect
but to me
LOVE, it hurts

why do i even say that when i have yet to have a 'proper' relationship before
that is because, yeah, i have never had a proper one before
a proper, normal one is that boy-girl relation
but mine. i have been thru many girl to girl ones
many times i wanted to give up
give it all up, why hanging there for so long when i can just break loose and enjoy
enjoy everything little benefit i can get from those girls out there
why am i doing this? why bother hanging there so long waiting for him to come carry me away
away from that cliff i have been stuck on
sometimes i really doubt if He is really there
is He really the one performing all those wonders and miracles
if so, why is he doing nothing to me?

im always telling myelf
'always look on the bright side of life'
but does that really help much?
it gives nothing more than momentary satisfaction

i have never been given much attention in my life
my teachers? my coach? my friends? my God!
i always thought, nevermind
my teachers aint giving me attention becos it is unnecessary
my friends aint giving me attention becos i rock too much
my coach aint giving me attention becos im not training as hard as the rest
but my God? i have no reasons for Him to not even take a look at me
alrights, i may not be that outstanding and stuff
i have only that little intelligence...
maybe He is just too busy with the rest?
but dont you guys always tell me
'every one matters'
so am i not in the every?
he has many things to handle,
dont you guys always tell me to not limit God?

God, are you there?
i really need you now
im breaking down
so many things
so little time

im having suicidal thoughts
im thinking of dying as an escape
im not doing it not because it hurts
but because i obey You
thy shall not murder

if Your are there
can you work on me now
i dont know how much longer i can hold on to

i know you are there
if you're not,
who have i been crying out to every sunday service?
who have i been kneeling down worshiping to?
who have i been singing till i get a terrible sorethroat to?

if you would give me an answer now...

keeping promises

i myself admit that i have broke many promises
but breaking promises may result to many things if one many consider

-unhappiness
imagine how unhappy you would be if you had a date with your friend who last minute backed out. alrights, many may think that it might not be such a big deal but continue looking down...

-arguements
receiving some messages making you really irritated. nasty remarks starting to flow. followed by it is an arguement. in the mist of it many irrelevant stuff just keep poping out, making one feeling even more irritated than before.


for those more of a sensitive ones may lead to misunderstandings. weird thoughts popping out of your minds. 'oh no! is it because 'blah' dislikes me thats why he rather lunch out with 'bleh' that to me. is it because of..' and it continues.

irritant + suspicion = nothing but trouble

questionings and stuff getting both parties 'pissed' or unhappy in a way..

-end of the line
things may eventually turn out really bad and stuff and this is the end of the line. end of our friendship

ps: my ending's really pathetic cos i gotta rush off, hope THAT PERSON know who i am refering to.

have you ever wondered
how much courage it takes to stand up for the truth
how much courage it takes to object to other's views
how much courage it takes to <you complete it yourself>

it takes a lot of courage
i used to find those who couldnt fulfil those 2requirements i listed failures
but now i know
i am unfit to call them that
cos i am far worse than them

He's given me many chances
to turn back
to stand up for the truth
nothing but the truth

i refused to do so but He didnt give up on me
He even sent people to persuade me to do so
but instead i refused
no matter is it that i might lose a friend
or is it that i may be a laughing stock of the class

leila told me that i shouldnt dwell on it much further
forget about it and move on
take it as a test from God
to mould you to become a better person
but do not make the same mistake...

i failed the test
i retook it
and i flunked it again

i am a failure
a coward
i am a good for nothing

leave me alone...

dont look back

woo~ im sick again!
haiz. God heard me wrongly
i wanted a sorethroat...he gave me both sorethroat and cough!!
aiyo! i just wanted to lose my voice for one day only mah. haha.

anws. these few days aint much of what i've expected it to be
all the rain, all the quarrelling, all the mosquito bites, all the injuries
but hey!! today's the opening day of a new cg!!
LEILA RITA TAN'S VERY OWN...N293!! woo~
haha. alrights. i gotta say. i dont really like the number
another thing is that im no longer an n09-er
but hey!! n293's gonna be the most rocking cg k!

thursday was sports day
haiz...was raining throughout
i didnt take part in anything when i ws supposed to
donno what crap rule states that all track girls are to take part in sports day
alrights. i got a pretty bad scolding
was shoe-less throughout the entire event
kerlene took my shoes to run
so yeah, that means no walking about for me
sat down there and stoned for hmm. 4-5 whole hours
was pretty pissed cos when she wasnt running she couldnt return my shoes first right
but no...she had to wear it and go about looking for her seniors. uh. fine..

finally went for training yesterday
after skipping for 4sessions in a row
missed out a lot...
oh yeah. i gotta say.
spikes, a great invention
it makes a slow poke run faster. a lot faster than before
take me for an example. haha.

hmm. i've been having mood swings for the past 3days
it's pretty bad cos im pissing people off and stuff..haiz...
please pray for me about it. and pray that the cough would go away
but i wanna keep the sorethroat. haha.
it'll make it easier for me to lose my voice tis way. haha.

alrights, 9more mins to 9.
haha. shall go back to sleep now