to be neutral to love..
it's a really difficult and nearing to impossible task

having to receive a phone call or an sms from you
i can be so glad yet sad about it..

glad that you're chatting with me
yet sad that i am supposed to forget about you..

she just keep telling me to feel neutral..
but how??
feelings are uncontrollable emotions..

awaiting for your return...

these few weeks has been relatively pathetic
first the loss of friends
then all the project work to handle
then world war 3 and now facing parental objection to the church
arise and build
illness
detention

argh, whatever it is i have been getting my self into loads of trouble lately

argh, shouldnt be complaining so much..bro jimmy said to give thanks anws,
things might have been worse!

but honestly i cannot stand the fact that one of my better friends is a hypocrite
and i actually thought she was nice..bet she only became my friend cos i was rich
now that i gotta commit my cash to the church and am currently poor she ditch me
hey you know what..go on, like as if i care..i've learnt to not care so much about others
you know why..cos caring too much you'll get yourself hurt..so many times it happens..
i have learnt to hang around with eagles if i wanna soar high up there, not with turkeys who will pull me down. and you are a turkey so back off!

'fear not and do not despair but be of good courage' to my dear friends who are on a verge of breakdown like me..

and now im off to study like a nerd again..
18hrs for now..

sometimes i really wonder, what are friends actually for..
for betrayal? for passing time? for entertaining? for fellowship?
for pulling you down?
and what exactly are loyal friends?
those who always stand by you? those who sacrifice for your good?
those who stick to you no matter what? those who may seem harsh to you but do things that are always for your own good?

i really wonder..

where are my friends when i really need them anyway..
they've never been around for me..
when i was on the verge of killing myself
when i was suffering from severe depression
when i needed someone to share my burden..

where were they...

who am i to cry to but You?
crying out to 'thin air' is really difficult..
but at least i feel a sense of comfort

only a few really cared about me..hey, where exactly are my sisters..
only brothers like weide and junle showed true concern to me.

i lost 2 great pals of mine in just less than 3 days

was it true when i was told..i know how to make friends but i just dont know how to keep them
was it true when i was told..i've never made i good friend
was it true when i was told..whenever i lose a friend, the fault always lies with me
was it true when i was told..i dont deserve friends

i guess i just dont match the requirements of being a friend eh..

i was told, that we're called to be listeners..
i was told, that as we listened, we gain other's trust
we gain their hearts, and thus God gains their hearts thru us

i thought i was a good listener, always there to listen to one's complains
always there when one needed advices..
but have i got any listeners who would listen to my story..
your story plus my story..a heavy load for me..

constant renewing of self is always needed..
as you start again anew..

there is always a time for everything..
a time for this, a time for that..
a time for forgiving and a time for forgetting?

forgiving and forgetting is to be a never ending process
dont count how many times you've forgave and forget about one
just continue to do so..that's what we're called to do..

i have already forgiven and forgotten..
so if you want/desire..my doors are always open for you..
to come back and be my friend..

i meant well for all i did yet you dont appreciate it
things arent as cool as you thought..
it changed you in case you didnt realize
you're taking out your violent self for these useless bums,
yet you think you and they're in the right..
you know the saying of an outsider always get a clearer picture than the insider..
what's more pastor's wiser than us kids..
perhaps we'd get better advices from him and stuff

you know it really doesnt matter to me if you trust me or not
all it matters is you're walking on the right path..

why do i get myself into so much trouble wanting to help you
cos i love you..you're my brother, my good friend..
i dont want to see you get hurt.
and now i get into the picture..

you know, i really dont mind others scolding me with vulgarities..
what i mind is you scolding me with it..
you know we're seriously breaking our promise,
that one we made long time ago..

even if you've forgotten about it,
i still remember it..

you hate me dont you..
all my naggings and stuff
many times i hate myself too
why being so silly doing so many things for you
wasting my breath on you when you obviously wont listen
it's all just because of the 'HOPE'

now i know.."HOPE's" gone..
you were the one who shattered it..it's never coming back..
it's impossible for it to be fixed..

i feel really bad having to type all those hateful messages
but have you ever considered my feelings when you started with the whole thing

dont worry, you will be left alone from now on..
you'll be out of my mind from now on..
all you ask for shall be given unto you..
you wanted to end it..

so i guess this is the third and last time im gonna say it
'this is the end of the line..end of our friendship'

good bye my friend...

praise God! He healed my dog!
was blasting music, blah blah blah when dog had fits
terrified me got up and grabbed her
first thing i did was nothing more that trying to calm her down, which totally didnt work..ha.
dont know why but suddenly laid hands on her and prayed for her
at that very instant, my dog was HEALED!!!
INSTANT HEALING!!!

praise God!! i serve a great God!
i serve the one and only true living God! amen!
my God is a God of all wonders! (miracles)
I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!

it's amazing how fast a week have past since school reopened
all the waking up early and that annoying alarm clock sound..
bathing in the cold weather in 'boiling' hot water
oh man. what i totally dread most.

school's been alright
actually pretty slack,
i use my pen less than 5times a day! whee! [=
no homework assignments and stuff
only projects and stuff to handle...C=

late for lessons practically every day
ha. thank God, no scolding..hallelujah:) ha..
math test was relatively easy..hopefully i'll pass it

wednesday was the big day..
24hr churchwide fasting..
arise and build!!
it's indeed true that God is more power than satan. ha
stupid satan keep tempting me,
all the nice food all appear that day. grr..
nvm! praise God! i resisted all temptations and God watched over me
no gastric pains, no hunger..it was pretty alright actually
only that i cant eat all the nice food. ha..

thursday..i did it! broke fast at 0623..
praise the Lord! im believing for a great building
in the marketplace, for the marketplace to penertate the marketplace!
amen! [=
ate suki sushi for lunch. not nice..haha.
waste my 19+bucks! grr!!

friday was pretty cool..
shopping..6hrs full hours..
movie - a lot like love..not bad, you guys should catch it. C=
school was fun..disco, free food, free entertainment, blah..ha..

praise God for the following..
-im not kicked out from track
-baconthread's (hamstring) healed!
-finacial blessing!