God, exactly who are you
God, exactly what are you

i have heard it so many times
God is the creator, God is love
i have experienced it so many times
God is love
but now. i dont know i really dont know
why do i see so many suffering
why is so many things coming my way
greater tribulations for great anointing eh
why do i feel that im not growing but im getting smaller and weaker
it's not working! i really feel like just leaving God
leaving the church..
i really hate You God.

fatherhood eh.
i've lost my father
i hate both my fathers
the one at home..he is a total stranger to me
a total stranger that all he does is scream at me
all the love he gives is expressed by money
i hate him
exactly how many times does he want to hurt the family
how many times does he want to break this family that mum is trying to hold

the one in heaven?
i thought i could lean on Him
i thought i can really find significance, self worth and security in Him
but no.

'even if there was only you Jesus would still come die on the cross for you' eh
my dears. i have finally realized
exactly who am i to have this privilege
this will never happen
i have always been someone not worth taking notice of
He will do all these for just me? for this freak?
ha. i doubt so, i really doubt so
it's all bullshit, i dont want to believe it anymore

if i can really find security in Him
why did that missionary have to be beaten to death
why do i see so much suffering around
why do all these just keep happening
why is it that sometimes it happens sometimes it doesnt
why is God so unreliable..is my prayer gonna be answered or not?
i have come to realize that i can rely on non besides me
only i can protect myself
only i can make decisions that i can benefit from

if God is real i didnt have to worry about PO when i dont do well do i
if God is real i dont have to worry about anything do i
if God is real i dont have to see so much suffering,
receive so much suffering,
handle so much suffering do i?

ha, self worth
exactly what is it
i've been labelled by so many people
even people i look up to in church
BOY-CRAZE
exactly what is this all about
ha, you guys tell me you love me
yet why do i hear so much gossips at the back
ha, who can i trust but myself
who can i lean on except myself

God i hate you
i really hate you
wont you just leave me and get out of my life!

I MISS MY SHORT LITTLE FAT TWIRT!! sigh..

friends are around to carry you forward and not backwards
they are meant to push you forward and not backwards
they're meant to pull you up and not push you down
choose your friends wisely that is my advice...

i must say..i despise the thought of people taking things seriously only when things are lost
you take your friends for granted and take them lightly
only when they're to leave you then you beg them back
i will not and i shall not give in to these

please respect your friends
respect them in every way
be it in a big or small way
significant or non-significant way

you know tmr is to be a happy day
a day worth celebrated and remembered
a girl had her first encounter with God
a girl had received her gift of tongues

yet. she was discouraged of the celebration
she was scolded stupid, bo liao
she thought the day was so special and significant to her
yet it was treated with such disrespect

you dont know how hurting it is to experience this
you being found a nuisance
even by someone you trust and love so much
you being treated with disrespect
you being taken lightly, taken for granted

it's disgusting how man can be
how hypocritical man can be

it's disgusting..

for one thing i am glad of
everything but God can change
i know He's always there to receive and not mock
He's there to love and not condemn

i shall not and i will not be pulled down
i can lose everything but Him
i can give everything up but Him
i must and i will fulfil my destiny
even if it takes to be a lonely soldier
at least i will still have God..

will i...

No love is greater than the love of my God

Wow, went for helpers prayer meeting today
The presence was super good alright
I really gave all that I am to him
I am and I will let go
All my hatred, my past hurts my failures...

Im so glad for returning into His presence
It’s really true. Where can I go from your presence under your wings I take refuge?
Had a few revelations...
One from Leila and the other from God

Leila was telling me, how great it is that God has given me feelings
I have very strong feelings and emotions so that I can feel Him and I can feel the love He has for His people and His people…but I must remember that the devil can change this blessing of love into hatred. But it can be restored. I just have to bear in mind
To always bear in mind…
That God loves me…

Mine was when I doubted in my calling
I’ve been really considering…
Is my calling the one meant for me or is it what I wanted
I’ve been having so much fear about my calling
Especially when I remembered someone once told me…
Don’t keep thinking of making a difference in other’s lives when you can even make one in your life!
But you know after listening to Leila’s message,
It changed. Do not belittle yourself!
I can make a difference in my life, NOW!
I can do it. It is a special one I have and I WILL fulfill it!
And especially when I was crying out to God
He was telling me, Evan, do not be afraid! For you are my rev Dr. Evangeline pay!
Another is the many times when I feared to step out in faith
Then I recalled that time when I teased liyun and Fiona about stepping out in faith to walk on water…
Jesus said the same thing to me…
He told me ‘Evan, come on and walk on water and join me. Do not doubt and do not fear for I am with you. Just take a step of faith and follow. I had my fears and my doubts. But don’t focus on it. Stop looking at it but look at me. Look at God. I shall be your source of strength and comfort in times of trouble. Evan, come join me in the boat. Where no matter how fierce the storms are, they will not trouble you because I am with you always, and I am always there to face these times with you.’

Wow! You didn’t know how touch I was…cried and cried like mad
Then Leila prayed over all of us and we fell under the presence of God.
Junle had a hard time catch all of us. Hahaha.

Oh my God! I simply love today
It was all so awesome
Everyone had to pray
This was the first time after so many times of praying that I felt so pressurized
I wanted to make a prayer that is powerful and gives impact
I guess this is the best prayer I’ve made
Other than the first one I’ve made that is. Ha.
You know on my way home, God spoke to me
Evan, I don’t desire these flora prayers from you
All I desire is a prayer that comes from your heart. A prayer that touches you

Many revelations shared after the prayer meeting
Jeffrey’s one really impacted me I must say
The waterfall...
The source of the waterfall is high up in the mountain which is God
And we, the waterfall flows from Him-We come from Him.
As we flow-our Christian walk…we face obstacle-when the waters hit the rocks
But if we preserve and press on, we will eventually flow out into the sea…
Where it is our goal, our destination…
So meaning full!!
And Liyun’s french-fries revelation!
The french-fries represents us and the salt sprinkled on it is the gospel
The gospel is not only for one, but it is for all!
It should be spread out and sprinkled to all the french-fries so that it’ll be tasty
And thus reach the destination in life when we eat them and find them very tasty! Heaven!
The above sentence is by me
The original one is after all has received the gospel we’ll be shoved into my box…
This represents heaven, our life goal; also it represents the harvest field
Where we are to be stuck together, united as we face the anti-Christians.
And Sarah’s revelation
A rock being dropped into the waters and ripples form, endless formations of it
It represents the gospel being spread throughout
It doesn’t take a big rock – someone great or a bunch of people
To make a difference, to get the gospel spread to all
It just takes ONE person who is willing…

Of course there are many more that I can’t really recall
Hahaha. I’m so sorry about that…

But the point is…I love God. Hahaha.
Alrights, I must get to settle some things now
Until then!

God bless you all greatly!

whee~ these few days were pretty tiring lar
after the end of examinations i've been going out all day
be it counseling or tuitions or church
i've still been skipping trainings. im considering on staying on
but when am i gonna pull myself together to go

went sandy's house on friday morning to help her with her math
oh man..the morning traffic's terrible.
even my favourite 'u-lu' 103's super crowded in the morning
the station staff had to go down to the platform to control the crowd at the mrt station. ha
oh and mixture of perfumes stink big time

you know as i was watching all the working adults and housewives passing by
i suddenly thought to myself how fortunate i was..
these people had to wake up so super early to catch the bus to get to work or get around
while whereever i went i could just make a phone call and i get sent around

how funny it is when people take things for granted and not think of the consequences
i've always taken money for granted considering being born with a silver spoon
but what if i didnt own whatever i owned today
what if i was just an average kid that had nothing
im afraid of losing..losing out of all these
i know that a day may come when the family may not do well and i lose everything
i dread for the coming of that day..

alrights, stop thinking of all these! ha.
i had a treat from sandy's dad..whee~
i should go her house more often eh. hahah.
sent her to school after breakfast at macs..
oh man, i felt like a mum!!! hahaha. i dont want her as a kid!! haha..
went to marina square to settle some things after that
met liyun there lar. that rich kia was feasting on cafe cartel lar!
big sighs..haha. i think i deserved a thrashing when some crazy idea struck me lar
hahaha. im glad i've gotten over it. fast. hahaha.

saturday before cell was 'arguing' with my mum
hahaha. it was super funny..it's been a long time since i really spent time with her
it's been a long time i've really seen there
she's much older and fragile now
big sighs again. hahha.
crazy parents are determined to lose weight now. ha
they've been going to work out for the past days
i think it's pretty funny lar..hahaha.
mum fetched me to bishan to meet fiona and bunch before going to the gym. ha
as usual i was the latest one..haha.
met junle on the bus to jac's house
he just came back from his obs camp eh
i guess he's got back his tan eh. disgusting cao ta tan. ahaha
went for cell and played pictionary. hahah. quite funny
boohoo, no forfeit. haahha. had shephards pie by my jiayu
rachel was praising it to the heavens cos it was super healthy and she could eat it. hahaha
fellowshipped for awhile and rushed off to svc3 with yoke
she was gonna be trapped in some funny weird island with her mum on the sunday. hahaa
we were a lil late but i guess it's alright..hahah. had so much fun in s3
haha. we were thinking about transferring over. ha. i think leila's gonna murder us for that. ha
met elson on the way out..he's still as short as ever!! hahah..i've grown :D
ok lar..fetched yoke to tp station then went to fetch koreans home then home. ha
was super tired lar..but still had to bathe!! i hate bathing!! hahaha..

sunday was fun..
i was pretty sian of the message though
listened to it twice that's why i guess...
had to move to the back to sit with new friends
argh. why i come early or late also stuck at the back! hahaha..
everyone wore skirt today..hahah.
liyun and fiona came with a disgusting green skirt
i mean it looks nice lar, but the green's a bit out that is. hahaha

went nus to play ball after that
i couldnt play cos i injured my heel on saturday. hahaha
dont run with slippers. yep. hahaha.
was so irritated by the pl 'troop' on the way there.
they were saying what they would beat ij and blah
then the funny thing is when we met up with my ij troop they were all like
'eh! ij netball that one sec2! that one school team! die alr lar. dont play lar'
hahahhaa. super funny. i had so much fun suanning them

ij played with sss. DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINT we lost
hahaha. they had to rush home lar. melody! we were strong k! hahaha..
i was glad that ij had fun playing handball, volleyball and etc lar.
went jogging with hweemin in the rain. hahaha
i had to run barefooted cos sam low forgot to bring my shoes!!! haha..
it was fun though. anyways im quite used to it lar
everytime track training warm down also run barefooted
running in the rain is fun! hahah. ran 2km with hweemin then joined liyun and fiona
hahah. we were having so much fun playing at the bball court. hahah
fiona was worrying about the lightning and that we were all gonna die. hahaha
crazy girl. we were dancing and singing and playing there lar. hahaha. super fun
then i suddenly stopped and warn them about not bring extra underwear!! hahah. out of point
then fiona dunno what transformed the centre circle into a stage then she was performing there.
hahahah. i was 'fainting' on the ground and rolling about. hahaha. then liyun went on to dance.
hahaha. super funny. we were jumping about singing hillsong songs. then went back lar
the PLs couldnt fall ill cos they had school
liyun was being disgusting lar! she shoved her socks into the hand dryer on attempt to dry it.
hahha. then when we went back to the hall everyone were saying what..we went swimming. ha
chuan yu was telling me what??? 'evan! wanna shower also must take out clothes mah. why shower with your clothes on!' hahahah. crazy!
i was so stupid to go hug melody lar! i tot i wet can bully her. then forgot she's super smelly and sweaty. eww!!! disgusting!!! hahaha..
went home super late lar..haiz. i was freezing on my way home
was soaking wet lar. then why everywhere also air-conditioned! haha.
reached home and had dinner with mich. i was still soaking wet. hahaha
had a warm, actually super hot bath before going to bed. haha. slept super early lar. ha.

im super dead lar. havent plan anything for the p6 thing
then leila wants updates by tonight and i havent even do anything!
going for prayer meeting later..oh yeah! whee~ i think i can go for overnight prayer mtg! hahah..
PRAY PRAY PRAY! hahaha..

WOO~ FREEDOM!!! hahah. that's the end of sec1's studies!! haha.
the geog paper was ok..praise God i studied the right chapters :D
and praise God i finished just in time. ha.
the annoying teachers kept us back for 30mins before letting us off lar!
irritating!! annoying!! especially that evil teacher!!!! arghh!!!
mr tang said something about us doing badly for his section in science. haiz..

went penny's place to burn her house down. muahahaha
didnt exactly succeed though. hahah. she did all the burning
except for the cooking of the spaghetti sauce that is..ha.
i dirtied my nice shirt for that!! argh!!! haha..
but it turned out nice lar. ha.
oh yeah!! penny's like evil!!! that evil twirt made me try keep trying the spaghetti to see if it's done!!

we baked famous amos cookies!! darn nice!! whee~
my cookies tasted nice but looked disastrous lar. ha
penny's was nice though. haha.
we were sitting in the balcony chatting then some auntie tot something wrong with her. haha
oh yeah..penny's sister looks MUCH PRETTIER than her! hahahah.. :P
a little weird though. hahaha.

oh yeah. we had fun flooding her kitchen to wash it. hahaha.
so stupid!! hahahah. she had nice korean tasting australia pears. haha
played uno and speed while waiting for the nice huge cookies to be done. haha
the super rough me play until my thumb got cuts. ouch! hahaha...

had to walk a long way out to take a bus home. hahah.
the woman sitting behind me tot i was mad cos i was singing on my way home. haha
arghh..cant i sing??? haha, :P

sian at home lar..
korean dramas are nice. haha.

math and lit sucked badly. argh
tmr's geog. i havent been in the mood to study
the past week has been really sian..
go school take exams and go home and slack
diner dash is nice though. ha

`literature
i totally didnt study for lit lar. smart me got a spot on
rainbow bird came out. but i didnt bother studying lar
crapped throughout the whole paper. actually not much
i was too tired to crap much. (i slept late the night before, was at ritz! ha)
i couldnt recall a single evidence i was supposed to give
mrs vincent went thru that question with us so many times and she totally made us study the evidences lar
why am i so stupid!!! i didnt i go study it!!! argh!!!

unseen passages didnt bother reading thru the poem and went straight to the story
who would expect the poem to be easier than the story this time. argh
im such an idiot. argh. but anws im not good with poem, so i guess it's okay..haha
i wrote super little lar. everyone had to ask for more paper while i had extra ones to spare. haiz. im dead lar
4qns i only write 4pages. HAIZ...

`math
math today sucked badly.
i couldnt recall a single formula.
and i didnt know how to spell isosceles triangle. yep, funny eh. HAIZ
didnt know how to do practically everything lar
i just suck at math. argh..

vanny tot i was so pro cos i finished super fast
she was only half way thru the paper when i finished
haiz. cos i anyhow do one lar..
haiz. then cos too sad alr so i didnt bother checking lar,
stoned thru the remaining 1/2hr.
dont know why so many people can cannot finish. haiz
just anyhow do lar..then the whole level fail then i can dont so pathetic. haiz..

yay. tmr's the last paper. geog!! why!!
ha, gonna go penny's house to burn it down after geog tmr! (cook lar.)
whee~ so exciting..nananana. hahahaha.

im so bored! sian!! im depressed!! (again)
argh. haiz..

this is a stupid post

woo. 2down, 5more to go. hahaha..
english was pretty much alright..wrote according to visions and personal experiences. should be alright..
science was pretty easy..only that i didnt know what would happen after heating copper carbonate that one..haha. should be able to score..i want A1!!! hahaha..
was pretty stressed out about exams for the past few days..haa. guess it's all science's fault
science is an important subject to me lar. argh. yay! finally finish!!! left the not so much studying subbies left! yay! woo~
anws..thanks you call for your wonderful prayers and wishes. it really helped alot. ha. i must get back to mugging for tmr's history paper. all the best ya all! haha..

MUG!!!
I DONT WANNA STUDY!!! AHHHHH!!!