somehow i just love to work myself late into the night
then i can just flop into bed and switch off
this way i wont even have to think so much about what's happening right now

i'm darn afraid of the deafening silence..

ah, i love it when we're made to clear our lockers
cos it's then when you see how ridiculous people can be
thinking of gazillon ways to shove things around to make carrying the stuff home easier
yes geok, i remember when you made a bag out of your apron.. haha
and penny the cheater bug took the oven home with her so that she could store her stuff.. haha
and jeannie threw all the unwanted magazines out to get the box
as for me, i shoved books all over the place, in my shoe bag..my ebase carrier..every single compartment of my bag was filled
thank goodness i called daddy down to pick me or i'll have a hell of a time carrying everything home

everything happens for a reason i guess
and lunching out with dad this afternoon was most probably to ground more seriousness into me
yes, dad started to reason things out with me about my studies..
i almost broke into tears when i told him about my common tests results
and surprisingly all he said was 'see, you're feeling upset right..'
thanks dad, i love you..

had a short chat with leila when i came back
i was wondering.. did i make the right decision to stop going for cellgroup for sept..
yes, no one's stopping me from going anymore.. but i am stopping myself from going
4hours a week, 4times a month.. it would be 16hours wouldnt it be..

i'm tired, i'm exhausted..
i'm studying over 50hours a week
and i wont be surprised if next week it'll hit 100..
i gotta get ready a bottle of hair dye at the rate i'm going..
first time in my entire life i've got such dark eyerings..
i looked at myself in the mirror today and got a shock, i almost couldnt recognise myself

i still cant see why people look up to me as some superwoman
no, i'm not multitalented.. things just come by and i guess i was just lucky enough to grab it in time
no, i cant help you think of solutions to every single problem
no, i cant always be there to help you out
no, i cant always be around to talk

i'm starting to wonder
who in the world came up with the term 'friends forever'
yes, now commonly used by ah lians.. but that's not the point
are there really true friends who are willing to sacrifice so much for you
i cant find one..
all i need is someone for me to rant to..

an hour ago i was hiding in my mum's arms
i need someone to love and protect me too
but why cant i find anyone at this time..
i was recalling the good old times i spent with her
when i didnt need to care about anything
just being plain carefree..

i remember, someone used to aruge with me over 'change'
that i should change my attitude, my behaviour, etc..
and i tried hard to change in every aspect of my life
but now, i'm reconsidering..
i dont like change
i dont wanna be mature evanpay.. i want back my childish self

like in kindergarten..

It took me michelle's 'why you seem to have drawn away from your cellgroup already ar?' to make me realize how much I've been backing off from church
from how many people's lives have I withdrawn my presence from
no, I'm not having another round of backsliding thoughts

it just seems like I no longer care so much about the others anymore
cos I know that there are so many things out there that I cant do anything about
so I might as well just sit back and mind my own business
I've decided to move on to a place where I don't know where it is..

no, I'm thinking too much..

Yes,
I'm facing lots of exam stress now
can you believe I'm actually planning a month ahead to mug for exams
I normally only do it a week before exams

I may seem like a happy go lucky person who doesn't give a damn to my studies
but I'm really damn scared now.. I really regret slacking off so much, all the wrong decisions I've made
and now the price to pay is to risk not getting my choice of combinations
am I really gonna put money on the table and transfer to an international school if I cant get what I want

having to juggle family,friends,church,studies,fun all at one time
and having to balance it off may not seem as easy as it is
you don't know how pressurizing it is to hang around scholars, top students.. And not wanting to get looked down upon if you don't do well
to have a rich dad who places high hopes on you, to have your father tell you that you are his last hope to get into a good university and do him proud
to have to stand in the gap and be pulled both ways from school and church friends
to serve a God who is so perfect
to have to worry so much about people who doesn't see it
to be told that you aren't releasing your potential
to not meet other's expectations

this month's gonna be long
and I'm not hoping for it to be shortened
while I bury myself in books and in my own busyness
I guess I'll take this time to take a break from everyone else
no, don't try to contact me unless it's important
I just want to spend this time myself, alone..
to reflect on what has been happening
but I shall stand strong at the end of the day to be an overcomer
to be more than victorious

then I'll be charged up and be ready to run a new race
to run to greater heights
to touch His shekinah glory

I'll never walk away just like that..

a rush of disappointment ran into me
when i looked at my results and finally realized how dead i was
how bleak my future is gonna be without my results

it was then when i thought
what am i gonna do, what is my future gonna be like
i started to worry..
these few days havent been absolutely fabulous for me
i havent been sleeping well thinking of my results
yes, i may seem alright about it cos i didnt study
but im really starting to regret about all the wrong decisions i've mad

a sense of helplessness filled me
is it too late to buck up? i hope not
i gotta put up my socks reallyreallyreally high
even if it tears my beautiful collection of ankle socks, i dont care
i'm in power of my future and im gonna make something great outta it

i did my quiet time awhile ago
i wanted to just rush through and get over and done with
and i expected to encounter God this way, haha.. dream on..
i was slapped right smack in my face.. God woke me up
i wanted to end my qt just like that.. but He didnt approve of it
He told me in a stern tone.. "you're not leaving till you experience an encounter with me'
it was then when i realized that i hafta get serious with God
and not get so sloggish with my quiet time
i worshipped and i prayed and it was then when God really spoke to me
"are you ready to run this race with me.. we'll grab excellence together"
i broke down in tears and soughted for His help
yes, i wanna..
"were you thinking of running even before you've started to learn to walk?"
"you're ready now, for your race.."
"dont bow down to your problems.. get up. i've created you to be more than an overcomer"
"i brought problems to you to get you ready for greater things.. look at all that you've been through and look at how you've made use of them to help the people around you"
yes, i am ready for greater things
i'm ready to run my race
even if i hafta toil my life out i will accomplish the will of God
right now, it's excellence

guess it's gonna be less fun for me for the next couple of weeks till exams are over
it's time to mug..hard.
maybe i'll be able to come up with another mug sound if i find a nice smelling mug. (:

i am who You want me to be
i am a fool4Christ

just realized that I haven't been visiting penny's blog for a loong time!
and guess what I found in her blog..

To Evan:Hey girl, Ur Miss rich-girl attutide piss me off sometimes, but we never stay mad at each other for more than 3 periods. HAha. ur weird and ur moods swings are like less often compared to van's but they sure are more violent. Well I guess ur forever special to me. Like ewwww I am not her! So I'm not less!!!

hahaha! Hey penny! I don't have a rich girl attitude!
at least I don't think I do.. And well, I'm not weird.. I guess get high sometimes. haha
and nope, no violent moodswings! I just like to fling my belt around and scream at people. hohoho
and I'm not les! rah! hahaha

here's to you!
pennehh! You oogoo boogoo pigass!
hahaha, no idea why I wrote that but heck. haha..
if I'm weird then penny's weirder! cos she gets excited going for math tuition
and penny's annoying when she gets moodswings! So I just ignore you :P
and I know you love me cos I'm smart and PRETTY! And since you're smart enough to choose me I shall love you back too.. :P
and my Chinese not bad k!! rahh!
ps: I cant help it if she's attracted to me! haha!

anyway, I got back my science results today
I didn't do exceptionally well, but hey.. I guess I deserved it
considering not studying at all for this round of tests, I did alright I guess
I almost broke down when I got a c5 for science today
was seriously wondering how I could get what a expected, abcd for my results
but phew! Thank God! Miss lim counted wrongly and well.. I managed to pull it up to a b4
not exactly satisfied with my results but I've got no right to argue

oh yes, look at what the goons are gonna do to me for English orals!

I look like xiao long nu! hahahaha..
anyway, in case you're wondering..
I'm Mary onemountain, the pirated version of Paul twohill. haha!

alrighto, I shall get back to slacking!
sentence of the day: can only message jiayu!

argh, yes.. im tired, im worn out but im not backing out!
i've learnt that when you face a problem, there's not use running from it
cos it'll only give chase and you end up being even more tired facing it
the best thing to do is to confront it!

the past days have been pretty awesome
and im especially blessed by dr ar bernard's messages
truly God wants us to lead a life of excellence

i've been thinking a lot recently..
(some of your must be thinking 'huh?! never knew evan has a brain!'
yes, i have a brain and it's working pretty well.. thank you very much)
there are so many things happening now and well, everyone has problems of their own
be it friendships, bgr, studies, spiritual growth, family, etc.
im not shooting at anyone here.. just listing in general
but the thing is how are they handling their problems..
it's pretty annoying seeing how some people may the same mistakes over and over and over again and they dont see anything wrong with themselves
im disgusted..
it's not like im perfect or anything but im glad that i learn from my mistakes and not commit them over and over and over again right!
argh, sorry.. quite irritated by some issues im learning to handle now

anyway..
common test results havent been good
if i get a c for science im gonna kill myself
cos it would mean that i've gotten 'a,b,c,d' for all my grades
pro right. haha!
well, blame myself for not working hard
things are gonna be different right now
[new info..mind..beliefs..actions..habit..success!]

yes, it may seem like an impossible task for me to pull up my grades to get into a good class for next year
but doesnt mean i couldnt do it, i cannot do it! right!
watch me.. SCIENCE STUDENT!
haha! im gonna receive a bashing tmr.. :P

argh, dead beat
kristos kai kosmos..

i do not read sex books!

I guess it took me awhile to realize that I'm still mummy's little girl

I love you mummy..

ah, yes.. still the sick and tired evan
im feeling better already since i can breathe through my nose when i sleep now
and that's just absolutely fantastic! muaha
yes, the past two nights have certainly taught me to appreciate my nose. haha

ah, well.. today
ep was stupid.. we watched videos of me! and well, we laughed our ass off
rahh. i cant act la! not my fault k! and it's hard not to laugh with a camera staring at you with loads of funny people behind!

math was pretty hilarious when i brought up the question 'what's a rectangle?'
nope, i wasnt trying to be funny.. i really forgot what it was! then penny asked me 'wanna ask what's a rombus?'
haha, see.. told ya my math sucks. and the d&t instructor's right! i didnt learn shapes.. :P

recess was a hell lot of mugging for chinese
we had our common test today. rahh

oh and lit! the period that never fails to instill fear in me!
somehow mrs low never fails to call me up.. and uh! she scared the wits outta me when i couldnt answer her question today
and once again.. anselina to the rescue! when she prompt me to examine the use of the '-' dashes
haha, well thank the Lord i got away with some rubbish answer.. muaha

after two periods of lit, dangdangdangdang.. chinese common test..
it was pretty easy i must say, although im quite sure im not gonna do well
considering all the rubbish answers i gave and i took such a looong time to write nicely for the compre. haha
oh and we had to write 'chong gao' and i sat there for a whole hour thinking how to write 'chong'!
and whoa! after i handed up my paper..(which tiara forgot to collect from me, smart right!)
and stood up to walk out of the hall, boom! i suddenly know how to write! urgh!! i should kill myself! haha
well, no point crying over spilt milk la.. gotta do better for the next paper to pull up my grades

well, the last period was a slacking session as lao shi forgot to bring her textbook and i refused to lend her mine. muaha
so we spent the period talking and priscilla cracking her singaporean jokes.. haha!
'tan ah beng, married!'

went off to kovan to eat with jeannie and ansel after school
jeannie happily ate her 1.90 nasi lemak while ansel and i walked around the whole foodcourt to get a plate of chicken rice and carrot cake. *bish! rahh. haha

and wow! sick evanpay went to eat 'red ruby'!
it was pretty funny before i decided to eat it.. cos i was asking them what's red ruby
and ansel was like 'it's a desert with a lot of redred stuff one..'
and smart jeannie was like 'red ruby's a gem..'
so smart right! desert turned into gem..haha!
well, i took it anyway and it was quite good acutally.. very milky! (im gonna get diarrhea tonight. rahh..)
and the gemstone's made of chestnut! not bad.. :D

well, gossip session started on our way home
whoa! i was shocked how fourteen year olds these days have sex and go around kissing and bitting people!
and of all people so many people go target one sissy boy! uhh!
save the sex for your husband la.. tsktsk

yeah, anyway im home slacking and waiting for my turn to have tuition!
exciting! tuition for the first time after 7years! hahaha..

i wanna drink slurpee!

a price to pay..

hell yeah, i've taken ill! :'(
last night was hohoho, pretty funny..
i woke up in the middle of the night with a bad dream and liyun and gerald had to stay up with me
it's times like these when you really need someone by your side alright..
wait, dont get me wrong.. i couldnt find anyone who stays up this late except those 2 k!
tell me if i can kajiao you at 3am and yeah, the next time something like this happens i wont forget to ring you up to keep me company till dawn. haha
oh yes and liyun's taken ill with me! drug addicts forever! muahaha

well i did a lot of thinking last night
how would things turn out if i had handled things differently
would it have been a happy ending..
yeah, look at the consequences of acting impulsively.. roar

i should cut down on my roaring and rahh-ing
everyone's complaining about it! why! haha..

alright, back to NEOPETS.
haha!

alright! singapore's 41st birthday in about 43mins time!
im so not in the national day mood.. rahh

it was kinda expected as jeannie predicted, that i wont turn up for school today
and somehow it must be retribution or what.. im down with flu now
yes, i cant breathe properly right now and i keep sneezing
argh, i hate this

well, i spent my day at home staring at the comp all day
i played NEOPETS alright! does that tell you how bored i was?
i even viewed through all the 170+ contacts i have on friendster
and to add on to all the boredness, this 27 year old guy was trying to hook me up on imvu
man! he is one despo can! uh!

anyway, im sad that i missed the repeat of high school musical cos i had to travel down to marina for some bbq and to watch the fireworks
yes, cookie played a great companion.. (for those who dont know, cookie is my dog.)
and whoa, it took 2hours for me to realize that my long lost cousin wanted to play with me! hahaha. im sorry.. i was a little slow. x)
yeah, it took his 'evanpay! *snaps camera' to wake me up from my dream
haha, well.. i didnt quite expect him to call me that, but heck. haha

man, im dead beat
off to bed!

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outsideI
'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there

Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along

But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe thatI could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

give someone a hug and tell them 'thanks for being there all this while''

it's really pretty scary when you find there are really not many people you can say that to sincerely
yes, I turned to a few and given a few hugs, but what if it was outta hypocrisy

fear is like a cloud circling your brain, blocking you from thinking right..

it's scary when you look around yourself and you find everyone worn out
and that includes those people you thought you could rely on the most
see the reason why i dont wanna let people under me see me breakdown
i'm just afraid they think that now that i've fallen they've got no one else to turn to now
because the almighty evanpay who has authority and influence over a number of people, who puts up a strong front and orders people around has her own weaknesses and problems of her own which she cannot deal with
it's hard to find someone you can rant to at ease.. really

it's disgusting when the only people you're allowed to rant to only reminds you how fearful and faithless you are
it's sad when you finally find that someone who can actually help you but he's a guy and you're relying too much on him and rumors are already starting to spread
it's painful to put that in your head and start avoiding so that the fire wouldnt start spreading cos all you wanna do is to protect that certain someone but you're actually spoiling this friendship
it's tough when you hafta keep everything to yourself and suffer a mental breakdown and you're not allowed to show it
it's funny when you can help others but you cant help yourself

it's painful to see that there are people around you who needs help but you're not around
it's worse to see that there are people around you who needs help but they refuse your help
it's even worse to see that there are people around who needs help but you can do nothing about it
sometimes i think it's better to not know anything

Yesterday was a 'fun-filled' adventure of visiting.
haha, no.. It's not new year yet. But my long lost cousin's sick..
so my mum brought us to go visit her, then we went around visiting the other relatives I haven't seen for a loooooong time
yes, speaking of which, I haven't seen this cousin of mine for more than a decade already!
to think we were the bestest of friends. haha, it was pretty awkward talking to her just now
I could only ask random question like how I used to message jiayu 'hey, how are you feeling already? Still pain? hehehe'
but overall, it was pretty good.. I caught up a little with her life and we had a few laughs. Yeah

then after that we reached aunt alice's place at 10
and mum abandoned Jo and I and went to aunt alice's room with her daughter to play dress up
haha, no la. Aunt Alice wanted to give my mum a few sets of clothes that she just bought and her daughter decided to go in a join in the fun while Jo and I sat in the living room for about an hour watching boring superband.
gosh, those people really cant sing! :(
after watching them sing the first thing that came into my mind was.. 'whoa, I can cut an album already. *grins' haha

whee~ we finally got home at eleven plus
and I was throwing a tantrum at my mum who refuses to return me my money! rahh
and dangdangdangdang.. She found out how we could get into the house even if she locks the gate
muahaha, it was jo's fault la! Leaving the gate wide open after she went in and silly me being half-awake teaching my mum how to close it back. Then she was like 'whoa, so experienced. Your do this everytime we lock the gate is it?'
well, I didn't answer her and hopped into my house (we stay in separate houses.. Don't ask why)
service today's gonna be funfunfun! :D
I'm still contemplating whether to wear a pair of pants or skirt
it's not my fault that I left my clothes in school right.. We needed it for shooting and I forgot to bring it home! I got stm la. rahh

oh yeah, my plans to go for jogging early in the morning failed
I cant wake up alright! :(
I gotta lose weight!
speaking of which, it was pretty funny how I screamed at my mum yesterday when she came up to me and touched me face saying 'see la, so skinny.. Lost so much weight already. Haven't been eating well have you..'
then I went bersek and pinched all my fats to show her and 'you call this skinny?!?! Huh?! You call this skinny?!'
haha, I guess she was quite shocked la, my fault.. So she went 'um, yar. So fat.. Not skinny.. Never lose weight. Okay?'
haha, sorry mum.. I love you.. :D

I was sitting on the toilet bowl stoning just now
and I realized that rich people all have a common trait
they own several condominium all over Singapore and some even stretch to overseas
cool huh.
no, I was plain boliao. haha

off to bathe!

innovation occurs when someone decides to be different